you lie, you lie

driving along i was overcome by such beautiful sadness that i could feel
the tears behind my eyes. i kept saying 'oh not now, please not now.' i
still want to cry, and my heart hurts.

i'm in love.
i'm in love with.
i'm in love with you.

a 113 year old woman, the oldest citizen of south carolina, died today.
what did she know? what did she remember when she took her last breath?

it's almost worth it to stop crying

i'm thinking too hard about childrens' books, lately.
and how the first episodes of sesame street were meant for adults only.
i woke up so early this morning, and i always feel sick that early, that
strange feeling of needing to be back in bed.
there's wind here, and fires brewing.
i'm alone and lonely, but in love.

perhaps there's more than i'm telling you, but...

there's no telling why people remember the things they do. when memory
and truth blur together, it becomes legend.

my dreams will rise up and defeat me, and i'm afraid. i'm afraid of
becoming lost within one world and enjoying it, coming back and yearning
for a world that never was.

simply put you're amazing

new keys under my fingers remind me of days a city far away, contemplating a life that used to be mine. and you cut straight to the point, telling me exactly what i need to hear. it's amazing how well you read my mind.

i'm sorry for leaving you on edge, forgetting that my words only reach your ears by way of a keyboard.

here we go, around again. tell me why we need to lie again.

if it's l o v e i'll see you later

sometimes you don't know whether to laugh or cry
and when you laugh, your heart explodes and
you can't help but say yes, over and over and over.

i have never been so free as right now, staring down the
barrell of a long range rifle, dreaming of first class
and pomegranate vodka shots.

there's no place like home

i've lost trace of what home really means,
of my mother's obsession with candles
and the bookshelf that towers over everyone.

i'm an only child,
whatever that means: petulant, pouting,
making sure to get my way.
(loudmouthed, obscene, beloved.)

i hold no confession, no valid observations,
just things i've picked up along the way.

no real scars, no real experience.

pretend you 'get' me, pretend you 'understand where [i'm] coming from, really' & i'll pretend to care when you give me advice.

it's not easy hiding, not easy stepping on a plane
running (away) when i never really know what's chasing me.

i have 29 more hours until i have to make a real decision, the first one
i have ever made. i could make lists, see my options in black & blue,
see where my life has decided to take me without me even moving.

believe me, if i could open my mouth and speak words that would change worlds, i would. if i could change someone's mind or even my own, i would.

the world keeps on believing what it wants to believe while the
preachers bang their pulpits selling a god that's past its (his) sell by
date, in a worn out package.

believing that time is cyclical while it marches like ants towards some
inexplicable end just means you'll get caught in the rip tide, forward
(and backward) motion.

who gets my lies and who gets my truths? i am no prophet, i bring no
message of hope & salvation

but i close my eyes and push play, and there he is.

arbeit macht frei

i've learned a lot of things
listening to words i'm not supposed to hear.
collecting truths & lies
and not bothering to sort them out.

pretending just to be a little bit tougher,
my lips mouthing seduction.
i tell truths wrapped up in sex,
and wonder why nobody hears my confession.

the rumours are true:
lock up your sons & daughters
before their souls fly free.

another kiss and you'll be mine

i say a lot of words
everyday.
i share little snippets
of my imperfect, un-whole
life, hoping somebody (somewhere)
will see it for what
it is:
grandstanding
false bravado
inflating myself like
a pufferfish, barbs out
to keep myself from falling
(too deeply) in love.
instead i spout little
snippets of truth and
let my heart break in peace.
i give my heart away in pieces to keep my mind whole.

i tell my truths to strangers
so i don't have to be honest with myself.

there's no free ride tonight

it's always good knowing who your friends are
(i.e. the ones that leave you messages when
your sidekick dies, the ones that
read between your lines.)
i'm alone and afraid, and my wrists are blue
again, rough around the edges.
sometimes i surprise myself when i taste my tears.
when the food doesn't taste good,
but neither do the pills.
if listening forces a reaction
who's hearing?
there's nothing more to say.
it was cold, lying in a bed i haven't
seen in a fortnight.
my watch says 3:04
but i'm not sure what time it is anywhere.

you've seen your future bride

okay. let me give you the little thoughts running through my mind
like hamsters on wheels with nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to

(the very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results each time)

here it is

nobody to kiss on new years
except two ladies who buy me a guinness

noisemakers and silly string
caviar on toast

fireworks and loud noises

scare away old scratch
but don't scare away old lovers

open the door to let the old year out
close the door to old faces

your heart is scattered
and somehow, the pieces end up
cutting into my palms.